If you know me, or have ever seen me, you know I carry around a few, well, more than a few extra pounds.
It has been such a part of my journey. I've Weight Watchered, well, I won't bore you, but the list goes on. I HATE when people say I lack will power. I was a fruitarian for over a year. You go eat only fruit for a year then get back to me on that willpower thang.
I know there is one connection. Safety. I was thin, owned a store with my sis in law. A customer would come in when I was alone there and stalk me. This was before we had those words. He would corner me, tall, black man. He would say he was going to have me and there wasn't anything I could do about it.
One morning there was a bloody mattress across the store door.
It was a second hand store so didn't know if it was the Mafia or some misguided soul thinking we could sell that much ugliness or what.
It made me nervous to say the least.
He came in later, asked if I'd gotten his present. He said he wanted to show me he liked "doing it" all month long.
Other women get candy.
I was scared down to my boots. I have a history of sexual abuse starting when I was nine. This did not put me in my happy place.
I told my wasband. You know, the thing with times like this, it isn't what he says it's that it didn't take him two seconds to think of it. Germans.
I told him about the stalking, how scared I was. He looked over at me and said, "Who would want you?"
He left. I got in the car and went to the store and bought a bag of Little Debbie snack cakes and at least saw the connection for once.
I was dropping weight again, just a few months ago. It felt weird, I must admit. And I started to worry about weird things like how will I afford new clothes? A student, I'm sure in all innocence, whom I'd been seeing for years, gave me a "look". That was it. Something so deep in me snapped. I couldn't begin to touch it. The weight came back and more.
It's not all that, about the self protecting stuff. I just love food too.
It's everything and a kite.
But, all along, I felt this voice telling me I would be led to healing this, but I was supposed to write about the journey. I was supposed to share the journey.
So, here I am. Not a success story yet, but finally listening.
This weekend, I listened to a talk by Maureen Moss.
I admit, it annoyed me. I felt so intelligent being annoyed. Other people were gaga, buying every word. Not me. She was there telling us how this era has been issued in, and this is how we are now, and this paradigm has shifted to here instead of there.
I yelled out, home alone, "By whose authority, LADY???" She got quiet, ushering in how very important she was, not, and said, "And if you wonder how I got this..." (dramatic pause.) (Yesssss) "It came to me in meditation."
Lady, I know someone who got milk was radioactive in meditation and would go steal it out of mothers' hands in the grocery store. I had a neighbor who was sure the bush outside my window was his mother and he'd stand there arguing with it every darned day. Sorry, I'm not sharing the awe here.
I wouldn't mind if it was prefaced with "I came to believe..." or "I got this..." not "This is Universal Law now, ain't I something?"
Oh well. Not my job. She then led a meditation. I got the feeling it was okay to listen so I did. I kept nodding off. Somewhere in there, she was asking us to hold up something that holds us back. I held up this issue. She asked God to totally remove it.
I felt this amazing wave. It was so beautiful. Gone. He just took it.
I got the urge to just go walking. Took my oldest to the mall and just enjoyed walking. The next morning I woke up, and felt so different.
It just wasn't there. I made a huge breakfast, gobbled it down not thinking about carbs and all that other crap, and then didn't eat the rest of the day until late that evening. Just gone.
Free HBO weekend and a bag of candy next to me, and it didn't occur to me to touch it. I finally moved it for the cat's sake.
I hesitate saying anything. I was taught you don't share young, tender shoots. You wait until they have grown and can survive the trampling. But, this time, what the heck.
I'm so afraid it will come back. As I was taught, too, though, if you can feel it for a second, you can feel it for a lifetime. Boy, I hope so!
I thank my weight, it kept me feeling safe, it taught me so much, it sure kept me humble. Time to dance in safety, trusting my power.
Time to dance in this wonderful gift from a most amazing Creator.
The dance lasts as long as it lasts, but for now, I am so grateful.
Here's to sharing the journey with you.
